Confession Time

At the risk of really upsetting my husband, I have a confession to make. He really does try me more so than any other human on the face of this earth. There I said it. I don’t know where the man I married has disappeared to, but I think he has totally checked out on me. And you know, at first, it upset me terribly, but now I know it’s nothing personal, it’s the battle he is having within himself, not with me. And I have got to take my little hurt feelings and keep on living my life, regardless of whether he chooses to participate or not.

Davy has become apathetic on me. On life. And at first I contributed it to the rough year we have had, with all that has gone on and then him repeatedly passing out and nearly kiling himself so many times in the process. The illnesses he has had. His heart. I tried to be patient I tried to be understanding. Now, he’s doing much better physically, and I still feel it. I am at a loss. I’ve even mentioned seperating, getting a divorce. We live in the same home and it feels like we’re a million miles away. My life consists of taking care of EVERYTHING. Him, the house, the grandbabies, the every day mundane things. Keeping the house up and running. Laundry that still overwhelms me so bad. I have a laundry orgy going on in my bedroom, that I am bound and determined to conquer today. They are clean, I just can’t find the time to put away. And his is making sure the bed stays in place by holding it down and being on that damned tablet playing games and reading the gossip and listening to the impeachment fiasco going on. And it drives me insane Literally. I stay so pissed off at him for his lack of participation in just our daily lives. The only joy he finds is in his beer and his tablet. What does he need me for?
I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do, He has halfheartedly attempted to reconnect with me. I embrace it, only to be disappointed time and time again. I’m not happy and I don’t think I will ever be happy again with him. I have given him my very best years, been the very best wife I could be to him and the best mother I could be to our kids and now, I’m being the very best Pamma I can be to our grandbabies. Is this it? Do I just save face and continue to live this farce of a marriage, or do I deserve to be happy? I don’t want to throw 33 years of being together away, but we stopped being happy a long time ago., and just found complacency to be acceptable. Am I happy? No, I really am not, and if I’m completely honest with myself, I haven’t been in a very long time.
We are going to give it one last good try. I don’t even know if I want to do that, but financially I have no other choice. I have to stay. I can’t make it on my own right now, but, I’m believing in God to make something change for me. Let me be able to live independantly on my own Every penny I make I fund Davys seperation of me. I make sure our bills are paid and we have what we NEED, but in the end it’s what Davy wants that Davy gets. His first and only true love and honey it ain’t me. I accept that. I do. But, come 2020, it’s on like Donkey Kong. I’m going to live my life for me. I’m going to embrace life like I’ve never done before. I’m going to make my happiness the most important factor of MY LIFE. Not Davy’s. Not my children, not my grandbabies. I’m flushing this enabling sorry excuse of a human being that I have become down the toilet. I’m going to be happy even if it kills me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to feel important to someone. Not just a roommate. A babysitter. I’m always going to play a huge role in the lives of my grandchildren. I am going to always make sure that they are happy. They are my life. They are the reason that I get up and embrace each day.
Davy told me when he was sick that he used to go out with a bang, now he wants to go out with dignity. Now he’s feeling better, he’s going to go out with a bang. Some things never change, but I’m telling you, I am. I’m sick of my life. I’m sick of always being the tail and not the head. Struggling to live each day. I have spent my entire life struggling, I don’t know how much time I have left before things really start to go south for me, but in the meantime, I’m heading up north. I’ve been down long enough, it’s time to live MY life. For me.

Help me Help Somebody!!

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Are You Thankful?

Thanksgiving is upon us. The kickoff of Christmas & all the mayhem that goes with it. The gathering of family & friends to sit & feast together. Being thankful for all we have been blessed with. Our lives. All the blessings we been blessed with.

Everyone is happy. We eat, drink, be merry & full of grace around the table Everyone gets full. The men park in front of the television to watch football, & slowly drift into turkey coma…and the women talk & watch over the children as they run to & fro. Then 4 p.m they put on their game face & go in droves to battle the crowds to get those deals. And all if a sudden, all you’ve been thankful for goes out the window.

We turn into savages. Every single person will literally fight for a $99 television. C’mon now. Seriously? Why do we do that to ourselves? When we are all very well aware that what is on sale at the store will be available online. Is it because it’s instant gratification? We got it in our hands. It’s mine. People snatching it out of your buggy & just hours before you were at Grandmas table saying grace & now you cussing a random stranger out for trying to take your childs must have Christmas present. Do you see how absurd that is?

I get it. The rush. The anticipation. The struggle. The last time I went, I swore if God got me out of there, I’d never go back. And I haven’t. I can assure you the way I felt lately, it wouldn’t do for Pamma to go into Walmart & get shoved. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. I won’t risk wearing a 3x orange jumpsuit. I’ll stay right here.

If you must go…act like you got some sense. Be courteous, & remember, you were just grateful hours before. Be grateful in the hours & days that follow. Show grace. I would try. But, I know my anxiety would kick into high gear & I would lose my mind. Period. So, I chose not to get in that ridiculousness.

Have fun. Laugh. And I’ll share my secret with you. Go to hardware & get you a bucket and/or trash can on wheels to fill. That way you have a bucket to sit on & fill & a trash can that nobody can take your fought over towels. Or that doll that you risked life & limb for. You’re welcome.

I don’t know why we can’t simply be thankful & grateful for what we have one hour & the next hour be willing to sacrifice our lives for a deal. Kinda defeats the purpose. But, maybe that really is our human nature. Being savages. Deranged, & insane savages fighting over crap made in China. Whatever, floats your boat. To each his own. Have at it. I’ll pick through the mayhem at a later time, a much later time. Like 3 a.m. 😁

Y’all be blessed this Thanksgiving. Be thankful, but at least act the part too. Being thankful helps you to think more about other people’s feelings — this is called empathy (being able to see things from another person’s view). Being thankful also helps you get through life’s tough times, because you can easily call to mind all of the good things in your life. And trampling, shoving, fighting over stuff sure nuff ain’t being thankful. Y’all do better. When you know better, you do better. Somebody is watching how well you treat His Children. Your brothers & sisters in Christ.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” – Philippians 4:6 – 7 (NIV)

Love,

Pamma

Loving Yourself.

You ever thought about that? How many of us truly love ourselves? Every little thing about YOU when YOU look in the mirror? C’mon now, it’s just me, you and the Holy Spirit. Be honest every once in a while. I will speak for myself. I hate me. Everything there is about me. I hate my face, my body, my heart, my mind, and every thing from the top of my head to the soles of my alligator hide feet.

I hate the woman I see looking back at me in the mirror everyday. I always have. I hate my frizzy hair, my double chin, my inability to say what needs to be said for fear of hurting someones feelings. I hate that I was the biggest baby born to my Mama. My Mama was a tiny little lady. And my brother and my sister were like her. Then I came along, and to this day, I still think Barbie was right. I was found in the Cabbage Patch garden. But, there is no doubt about it, I am the child of Howard Glen James. Period. I am him in all the ways that count. My heart is as big as the sun and I get myself in more trouble than it’s worth trying to help someone. You ever hear that saying about people throwing out life preservers saving everyone else and when you’re drowning there is no one there to save you and no life preserver because you done used them all. Yeah. That’s me and my Daddy in a nutshell.

I hate my voice. I hate my laugh. I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate that one boob is a C cup and the other is barely a B cup. Do you realize how traumatizing that is? Seriously? But, Davy tells me more than a mouthful is a waste, anyhow. So, there’s that little bit of sunshine. I hate that I’m deaf. I hate that I have crippling anxiety. I hate that I take everything my husband says to me literal. I hate that I feel like I never quite belong. I hate that I feel alone even when I’m surrounded by family and friends. I hate that I care so much. I hate that I am so easily disappointed. I hate that I am so easily distracted. I could go on and on about all the things I hate about myself. And truth be told, we all could. If we are honest with ourselves.

I need to start loving me some me. Knowing that God made me just the way He made me for a reason. I might not like it, but He sees something special in me and even before I was in my Mother’s womb, He loved me. He knew I’d be buck toothed as a child, teeth bigger than my face most of my childhood, {sorry, Justin it was hereditary} He knew what He wanted me to be. And I am slowly but surely accepting the facts. This is me. I don’t have any extra income coming in to fix all my flaws. I can’t go get this fat sucked out of my belly and my thighs. I can’t go get it cut off and pretend I was never fat. I can’t go get a lap band or a gastric bypass and lose all the weight I need to lose. I have to do it the old fashioned way. Stress. The being so stressed that food is the last thing on my mind, when it used to be I was so stressed all I did was eat? Is this a age thing? Chocolate donuts and fried chicken don’t cut it no more. I have no appetite. I’m alive thanks to coffee and tea and if I’d lose the sugar I could lose even more. But, ugghhh, how does ANYONE drink tea or coffee without sugar. I know I could use the substitute sugar, but, ummm, I’ll pass. It just don’t set well with me. Weird aftertaste. I ain’t dieting no more. I just ain’t. Every time I lose weight, and gain it back I gain an extra 20 lbs it seems. So, I’m learning moderation. Yes, I want to be fit. I want to be able to keep up with my grandbabies. I can tell you this, it’s a whole lot funner getting fat than it is losing it. Hmmph. They keep me active. Trust me. I wonder sometimes how I ain’t as small as my Mama as much as I go.

Why do we hate ourselves? Google answered this…Self-hatred (also called self-hate, self-loathing) is dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced against oneself. The term “self-hatred” is used infrequently by psychologists and psychiatrists, who would usually describe people who hate themselves as “people with low self-esteem. I don’t know all the ends and outs, but I do know HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE. Think about it. I will leave a link at the end so you can read all about bullying. Maybe you are a bully. Maybe you take your anger and frustrations out on everyone around you. Just don’t. When you know better, you do better.

I’ve told you all the things and there are way more, but gets kind of redundant after a while. Now, let me share with you what I love about myself. I am honest to a fault. I am very respectful of others. I am caring. I am full of positivity. I am determined. I am resilient. I love the unlovable. I see the good in the ones no one else will. I fall down a million times, but I get back up knowing I can do this. If I’m your friend, I’m your friend for life. Even if you don’t want to be my friend, you ain’t got no choice. I love with everything in me…which leads me to this question? How can I or anyone else love ANYONE else, if we can’t even love ourselves?

I believe God made us the way He made us for a reason. What if we all looked like Barbie dolls & Ken dolls? What if we all had the same perfect boobs & 6 pack abs? What if we all had no freckles, or moles or cellulite? What if we all had perfect hair & long eyelashes? How boring would that be. Differences is what makes us stand out in a crowd. Thank God for fruit loops in a world full of the same ole wheaties.

Everyone wants to be perfect. But, no one looks in the mirror & decides I love me. Just the way I am. I finally got to that point. 50 years in the making. I”m learning to love me some me. I am just what God made me to be. Fat rolls, graying hair, cellulite, wrinkly skin. A heart that is bigger than the state of Texas, & all my quirks too.

Learn to love yourself, in order to love others.

Psalm 139:13-14 New International Version (NIV)

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Love, Pamma

Pivotal Moment

Dear Diary,

I think I am okay. Yesterday, I ain’t even gonna lie to you. I was worn slap out. Davy and I both SLEPT all day long. For those of you that don’t know, my precious Aunt Pat bought her and I tickets to go see Chonda Pierce in Jacksonville, Fl. I’ve known for over a month to be ready to do this. Just in case, you don’t know, I was involved in two different wrecks within 9 months of each other. Horrible wrecks. Wrecks I should have died in one of them, along with my daughter and my unborn grandson. But, we walked away. Kieran is now 2 years old and the light of all our lives. God spared our lives that day…and then 9 months later, Davy and I were t-boned by a sheriff deputy and once again, we walked away.

But, the damage is far from over. I am forever changed. I spent ALL of 2018 being in the darkest place of my life. I couldn’t barely leave my house. I only did because I had to go to the Doctor. Forget going shopping, which I love to do. I stayed in my nightgown ALL DAY, every day. I got up and done what needed to be done. It was a struggle to face each day. In that year, my sister went in the hospital to have what was supposed to be a simple fix surgery, and ended up getting sepsis. She lay in that bed for 56 days fighting for her life and I couldn’t, no matter how bad I WANTED to go to her, I couldn’t fathom being in a vehicle in Jacksonville, Fl. I was petrified in Waycross, Ga. My sister left this Earth, knowing I loved her. Thank God we were in a good place in our lives at that time. We were normal sisters, we fought like cats and dogs, but when we needed each other we were there. That’s a regret I live with. But, I couldn’t do it. It’s taken me well over a year to even want another car and to just go around Waycross was a huge feat.

So, that brings us to this past Saturday. I contemplated not even going. I even messaged a cousin to go in my place. I tried to wiggle my way out of going. But, I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t disappoint my Aunt Pat. And Friday night in talking to her and she told me this was her last big hoorah, she wasn’t able to do big functions any longer. She’s getting on up there in years and my heart shattered into a million pieces, and I knew then I was going if I had to park and walk. I psyched myself up as much as possible. No one was able to come with me, which I’m glad they didn’t now. My hubby rode with me. I done good all the way to Callahan, Fl. I pulled over in a McDonald’s to use the bathroom and made the mistake of looking at my phone where the GPS was trying to get me back on the road and I seen it. I seen that I would have to get on I-295. I made it into the bathroom, and the reality hit me. I have got to do this to get to the show. I sat on that toilet, thinking of all the reasons, why I should turn the car around and go right back to my safe place, home. My heart is pounding out of my chest, my breathing sounds like I just ran that ice cream truck down again, and I stood in front of the mirror as I was washing my hands and looked myself in the eyes and told myself, “I CAN DO THIS!! With God all things are possible!!” I come out of the bathroom and there stood Davy waiting on me and I marched past him like a woman on a mission. I really was. We get to the car and get in and I buckle up, and take his hand and place it on my chest…and ask him does he feel that? His response, “Why is your heart beating so fast?” Welcome to my anxiety, my darling. Then, he says, “I can drive.” I looked over at him and thought to myself, ” I really do love this man.” But, he has his own struggles being behind a wheel of a car due to his own wrecks that neither were his fault, being hit from behind at a yield sign from a woman going about 50 miles an hour and then he was with me when the deputy plowed into us and flipped us. So, ummm, I appreciate that, but you drive like you got all the time in the world to get somewhere, it’d been midnight by the time we’d gotten there with him driving. I’m not exaggerating, okay, maybe a little more like as soon as the show was over, he’d gotten us there.

So, we get on Lem Turner and as the miles trek on down the panic goes up. I’m trying my best to keep my composure. I’m praying as hard as I can. Gripping the steering wheel and panting like I’m about to give birth. I keep saying out loud to myself, God and Davy, “I CAN DO THIS.” Tears are streaming down my face and all I can think is I can do this for me and I’m not going to disappoint my Aunt Pat. And the moment of truth is upon us. Time to get on I-295. I go around that loop de loop and I take a deep breath and LORD JESUS BE WITH US!!! I’m doing it!! I’m doing this!! Davy, I’m doing this. Look at me. Now, mind you, before those wrecks, I would pretend I was in the NASCAR circuit and I was qualifying. I would zip past folks, like me way back then. I was determined to be the lead. No, those days are gone. I’m forever changed. I got myself behind a white work van who had his blinker on the whole time and stayed a comfortable 55 mph at a safe distance from him and just stayed safely behind that van. Thank you, God. I know that was YOU. Then, I got to get off that road and get on Dear Lord in HEAVEN, I-95….pant, pant, pant…panic hits me like a boulder, that van went straight, thanks a lot God, now you got me really facing my fears….and I merged….traffic flying by me, and I don’t want to be that old lady on the interstate going so slow, so I ease up the speed to a good 60 mph and then we were able to get off the exit that took us straight to the church. Mind you, I realize how long it takes to get to Jacksonville, but I had to take my anxiety into account and we left Waycross at 3:30 and arrived in the parking lot at 5 o’clock. The show started at 7. Doors opened at 6:15. Davy had no intention of going in with me. I’m thinking it’ll be over at about 8:30. My man, y’all, he sat in that car from the time we left Waycross, until we arrived back in Waycross a few minutes after midnight. 8 plus hours. I’m not going to go into the details of getting lost after the show and I ended up going the wrong way on 95 again, and the Lord just cleared the road for me, literally. I got up to a whopping 75 miles an hour. It was the speed limit. I did that. I really did. Not one shred of anxiety on the way home. We didn’t get to lost, we got off in Kingsland and high tailed it home.

I needed that. I needed to face my fear. I needed to hear Chonda. I needed the laughs that I got that night. In listening in to her, and I knew of her, I just never really knew her story. And me being me the next day, I did a little research about her and now I know why Aunt Pat wanted me to see her. It made sense to me. Saturday was a pivotal moment for me. Now, it’s my turn, Chonda has a movie coming out and I WILL be going into the heart of Jacksonville, Fl to take my precious Aunt Pat to see that movie. With my pocketbook full of snacks. I made her laugh when I told her that last night. ❤

If you’ve never heard her story, I would tell all my friends and anyone who is dealing with alcoholism to watch her. She inspired me. In so many ways, so thank you Aunt Pat for buying me a ticket to see her with you, and thank you Davy, for riding with me, even though our night didn’t go as planned, I enjoyed your company. And thank you Chonda, for giving me permission to rise above and continue to laugh, in spite of it all. And God, thank you for never leaving me. No matter how hard I tried to push you away, You’ve been there for me in my darkest hours.

Y’all have a most blessed day. Check on your family and friends. The holidays are upon us and suicide is a epidemic here in Waycross, right now. If God lays someone on your heart, go to them. Have no regrets Life is too short. Live today as if it were your last day on this planet. Live it right. Live it intentionally. Be a blessing.

Love,

Pamma

My Precious Aunt Pat and I. We were taking Selfies as directed. I love this lady, more than she’ll ever know. ❤

He Sees You, Mama.

I am doing the thankful days of November each day on my facebook. Memories are one of the main reasons I won’t leave facebook. I enjoy scrolling through and seeing the funny memes. Seeing you all have joyful times. I’m not ordinary in any sense of the word. I applaud the efforts you all put through, no matter what life slings at you, you smile in spite of. You are my people. We got this. No matter how hard it is, and we wonder how in the world we gonna make it through, we encourage one another. I know I must send upwards to hundreds of prayers up for people I have never met before in my life. Seeing posts of you all that I do not personally know, and if the Holy Spirit lays you on my heart, just know somebody, somewhere is praying for you, for you family, for your lost family and friends. I see the posts of people all across the world going through their own personal hells.

Children dying of cancer, and I don’t know what it is about you parents…I know a few of you personally, and your strength is nothing short of miraculous. The strength and dignity that you show, has taught me more about myself than any school book or any pastor ever could. I see you hurting. I see you lost in your own pain. But, yet you face the world each day with grace and dignity and trust in God, no matter what the outcome. I just need you to know, your child, their life matters/mattered to ALL of us. We felt your pain, we pray and hope for a miracle with you. We praise God when you get that good report. We send our heartfelt prayers up to the Greatest Physician there is. We pray for God’s will. Not meaning to hurt you, Mama, but it’s all we know to do. I know I pray Gods will in everything. If it be Gods will, there is NOTHING you or any specialist in this world can do to stop the outcome. I get so angry with God for you all. I do. I couldn’t imagine standing in your shoes. Being a grandparent and facing this. I’m telling you now, we feel your loss, and I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but, you are always in my prayers.

As you face each day without your baby, and have to get up and put on your game face for your children that are still here. When there is this big, wide open gap of a piece of your heart gone. There are no words I can say to ease that pain, but just know, where they are know, they wouldn’t come back to this Earth is God himself granted them or you that one wish…ain’t no way they leaving Heaven. So, carry on with your life. Cry when you need to cry. Get mad at God. He can take it. He made you. He knows you. Shake your fists at him, stomp your feet and scream at Him for all the pain you have felt. He understands. He understands better than anyone else on the face of this Earth. Remember what He went through. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish, but have eternal life. … For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God understands your pain. Trust me.

This wasn’t at all the message I was prepared to give, but y’all know I’m going to let the Holy Spirit have his way. And then there is this…we have parents losing children due to this ugly monster, cancer. And then there are those who can’t deal with what God has CHOSEN to bless them with. I think some people weren’t meant to be parents, and I can’t no matter how hard I try to wrap my brain around it…and I have questioned God so many times in my life, even recently, WHY GOD WHY??? and I get the same small still voice every single time. “ALL FOR MY GLORY.” that’s it. I’ve begged Him to reveal to me, how any of this is for his glory? How is a Mother killing her own flesh and blood for YOUR GLORY, God? How? How is a child be raped and molested for your glory, God? How??? Somebody? Anybody? It infuriates me, and as I’m typing this the sobs are wracking my body. It just don’t make no sense to me.

It’s an epidemic now. Children are being killed by their Mothers. Their Fathers. Children are being aborted by the millions by their Mothers. Children are being put in harms way by their Mothers. Leaving them with any and every body, trusting that just because they SAY they are a man or woman of God that is good enough for them. If being a parent is too much for you, there are safe havens for your children. Don’t ever feel the need to kill them…their is somebody willing to step in and love your child. I can’t help but to wonder why anyone would hurt a child. In any way shape or form. They ain’t nary one asked to be born, but yet these parents play God with their lives every single day. NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! Maybe, it’s just me and all the pain I have felt in my life, I just have MAJOR TRUST ISSUES. I don’t TRUST just anybody with my grandbabies. And I can tell you all, and God already knows….I won’t EVER let my grandbabies be placed in harms way as long as I have breathe in my body. EVER. There won’t be no judge, no jury needed. This I swear before the Lord and you. I’ll do it and ask Him to forgive me all the while I’m carving up a body like a big turkey on Thanksgiving and feeding them one limb at a time to the gators. I will gladly sit in the penitentiary the rest of my life about mine. That body won’t ever be found unless they can find the right alligator. So, if you ever see me in the newspaper, you know what happened. People better know better. I think most of you know I’m crazy about mine. If it should ever happen, y’all remember this…yes, I know it’s premeditated murder. Just know that I’m serious.

Be careful who you trust with your babies. Your grandbabies. You can’t trust anyone. If you get that feeling, that unction of the Holy Spirit, that fearful feeling that somethings not right about a person, listen to it. The hairs on the back of your neck raise around certain individuals, and you just feel like something ain’t right, don’t brush it off. God has given us all intuition and like every other sense….USE IT.

in·tu·i·tion/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSH(ə)n/ Learn to pronounce nounnoun: intuition

1. the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

Ummmm…that’s the Holy Spirit working in you too. Just pay attention. Listen to your children. If they don’t like someone there is a reason. If they cry and carry on around certain individuals, you best get up on out of there. If it’s someone you love and your child don’t, who do you love more? That was one of my biggest fears with my grandbabies,when Lexi decided to end her marriage to their Daddy. Who was she bringing into their lives? Who would their Daddy bring into their lives? If you are in my grandbabies lives, let me tell you, you are being watched like a hawk. Don’t believe me, ask their Papa, ask my daughter, ask my son. Ask anyone who knows me. Male, Female…anyone that is in their lives is being scrutinized. Not because I don’t like them, but the fact is I love my grandchildren and I WILL make sure that they are safe and taken proper care of at ALL times. I’ve talked to Drew and Emmy til I’m blue in the face. They’ve been taught their whole lives, by their Mama and Daddy and it’s game on now. My worst fear is a reality now. Other people, strangers I don’t know are involved in the lives of my grandbabies and I can’t be there every second of every day. I trust the judgement of my daughter and the man she has chosen to be with, the man who himself has chosen to step up and be a Daddy to them, in place of a man who actually fathered them, but refuses to be their Daddy. Only when it’s convenient for him. Don’t bother paying child support, but works 80 hours plus a week according to him. He’s just moved on with a new family. And now it’s time for these kids to move on with their Mama and Goo Goo. I trust Jordan as much as I possible can. I see the love these children have for him. I see the love he has for my daughter and her children. He didn’t have to step up and play this role. He chose too. Jordan done knows we insane. I ain’t worried about Jordan.

I hate what I see daily. Everywhere you look. Whether it be facebook, the news, the paper…our children are not safe. It truly takes a village to raise these babies. Y’all if you see small children at the bus stop with no adult supervision, instead of judging the parents, pull over not to close and keep a watchful eye out for them…I read a story the other day about the bus driver putting three little 6 year olds off of the bus at the school and they didn’t know what to do, so they began the walk home. A good Samaritan got these children into her car and took them all home. Do you realize how differently this story could have ended? That bus driver was so wrong and I pray they lost their jobs. This was in Atlanta. A hub of human trafficking.

I’ve said enough. I haven’t said enough. But, y’all go and enjoy this beautiful day. Rejoice. This is the day that the Lord has made.

Love,
Pamma

Gay? And I don’t mean happy.

Diary of a Glad White Mama

This is a very touchy subject with a lot of people, but, I’ve done a lot of research, and talked with a lot of people, and I’ve come up with my own conclusion.  I know that I am going to get a backlash, but, I really don’t care.  This is my blog and I will speak freely on it and if you don’t agree with me, you truly don’t have to read this.  So, my advice to you if you are easily offended, go on ahead and close this blog.  You will NOT like what I have to say.  Okay, you ready now?

My belief is that just like we don’t chose what color we are born, what gender we are, what family we are born into, what personality we have…and I firmly believe that people who are truly gay or lesbian, DO NOT CHOOSE TO BE THAT WAY!!  Period. …

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Fake is so OVERRATED

Dear Diary,

Upon awakening, what is the first thing you think about? Besides the obvious…gotta pee, the alarm is going off and it sounds like a sonic boom in your ear. When you are fully awake, what is your first rational thought? I’ll give you a minute to ponder. I can assure you 5 out of 7 days, mine is, “Thank you Lord for waking me up yet again.” The other 2, I’m in my own internal struggle and being a petulant, pouting bratty brat. Some weeks are better than others and I can wake up and be thankful all 7 days. And some weeks, I can be mad that God had the audacity to wake me up again. I’m being honest. Why lie to myself, to you? To God? He made me. He already knows. He already knows whats most important to all of us. :

I had such a sweet, amazing moment with God yesterday in my living room. I was minding my own business. Cleaning my living room, while listening to some older Christian music. Some that used to usher me straight into to throne room of the King Most High. And the song, Here I Am To Worship come on. i kept on cleaning…I was singing along. And the chorus come on, and I was so overcome. I began to worship Him right here in my living room and y’all, I poured out my heart to Him. Davy was right there in the bedroom, but at that moment, no one was here except me and God. I don’t understand what is happening around me. But, I do know this. The Holy Spirit let me know in no uncertain terms this is ALL for HIS GLORY. Okay. I’m sobbing and y’all I’m standing in my living room and my spirit man is crying out. It is pitch black and it’s only like 1:30 in the afternoon. I’m crying from the depths of my soul. I’m telling God how very tired I am. How hurt I am. How alone I feel. I’m asking Him, why can’t I feel Him? Where is He? Why is He not letting me know I’m not alone? Lord, I need You. I can’t keep doing this. And then…then I felt that sweet peace. I felt the tangible presence of my King. I felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit descend upon me, and the darkness slowly dissipated. Until the brightness of the whiteness was almost to much to take. A deep breathe in, and slowly I let it out….and I continued to praise Him. Me and God, we had us a breakthrough yesterday. He ain’t left me. He’s trying to get me to see how this big ole mess is a message. This test is a testimony. My struggle is my story. My life isn’t in vain. My pain is real. And it is to be used to glorify Him.

We all have that story to share. The testimony to tell. That message that needs to be told. Why keep it to yourself? Are you ashamed of your pain? Don’t you know there are so many of us hurting? We don’t want to be alone. We don’t want to be the only ones that feel alone. Why paint a picture of a fantasy life, when we all know better. C’mon. We all know life ain’t all peaches and cream, so cut the lights on and show us the real you. Share your pain. Share your struggle. Share your testimony. You COULD be the one that could SAVE a SOUL TODAY. Because someone may be contemplating suicide and your HONESTY could make them realize that, “Wait a minute, you mean to tell me, I’m not the only one that doesn’t feel like no one cares? That I have more bills than I have money? That I don’t know how I’m going to feed my kids this week?” Your REALNESS is commendable. Fake is so overrated and just in case no one has never told you, let me break it down for you. People can spot FAKE a mile a way. Whether it be a smile. A purse. A pair of shoes. Those edited photos you post of a deliriously happy you…we know the real you. You can fool yourself, but you can’t fool everyone else. And you certainly can’t fool the one who MADE you.

It’s time to get serious y’all. Quit playing and get busy. Life is moving so quickly. It’s very fast paced right now. Lightning speed almost. Keep on playing around and you going to wake up somewhere you were warned about over and over again before you know it. Hell. It’s all about choices. Choices we make. Choose you this day who you will serve.

Love,

Pamma

Pray & Release

Dear Diary,

I’m back in facebook jail. Hmmph. Stepping on toes. If I’m offending you, why don’t you just delete me? Unfriend me. Don’t report me. I don’t even care. Because you know what? For every one person I offend, there are 3 that are being blessed. So, nannie nannie boo boo, stick your head in….Uggggghhhhh….

Why do I let PEOPLE get to me? Why? I am 50 years old. I shouldn’t give a flying fig what anyone thinks!!! But, yet I do. I shouldn’t care what anyone does or says, but I do. And I hate that about myself. Odum is looking better and better to me, every single day, Davy. That is an inside joke, y’all. If y’all know Odum, then you know that there is a tiny little campground there in the middle of God knows where and there is NOTHING there. I used to ride the mail route with him over there and I would wonder aloud, why anyone in their right mind would want to be there. I get it now. I sincerely do. I get it. To escape people. Yup, Odum is looking mighty good to me these days. I shouldn’t let the actions of others ruffle my feathers but I do. I shouldn’t do a lot of things but I do. It’s easy to say you gonna do this and you gonna do that, but when it comes right down to it…it’s darn near impossible.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone. But, I stay disappointed in myself ALL THE TIME. Go figure? When will I ever get the courage to just be all about me? Do I have it in me? Do any of us truly have it in us to do what is best for us? I’m not talking about you selfish, all about yourself butt nuggets, we know y’all gonna do you regardless. I’m talking about the folks who have half a heart and who actually care about someone other than their own selves. Yes, they do exist. Shocking, I know. I’m blessed to know quite a few, but I also know just as many who are all about self. I give up trying to figure out people a long time ago. It’ll make you drive yourself insane.

All I can do is pray. Pray and release. Pray and release. Pray and release. That is today’s motto. Don’t hang on to whatever is troubling your spirit. Pray and release it. Either do something to change it, or be like a dog…pee on it and throw some dirt on it and walk away and don’t think about it again.

Y’all have a most blessed day.

Love,

Pamma

Are You Toxic?

For you that don’t know, I have changed my blog over to my fb, Diary Of A Glad White Mama, I reach a much larger audience over there than I do here. But, apparently I’ve been put in facebook jail. Hmmph. I stepped on a nerve along the way. I always wake up and I pray. Sometimes I have a burning desire to write what the Lord has placed on my heart, sometimes I feel nothing and will ask Him to lead me and as I’ve said a hundred times before, I’m just as shocked as you are as to what I have written. So, don’t ever take offense to what I write. It really is the Holy Spirit at work through me. I get my own feathers ruffled up, time and time again. So, that begins today’s…

Dear Diary,

I woke up and looked at my alarm clock. Yes, we still have the glow in the dark red numbers with the horrible radio alarm clocks. And it says, 7:30. Yes!! I slept past 6 this a.m. Go me. I get up and start my coffee, (THANK YOU SO MUCH DENISE!!)and I start talking to the Lord. I go run my bathwater and I finally look at my phone. It’s 6:37. Well, butter my biscuit and call me toasted. I didn’t make it past 6 after all.

I like to take a hot bath in the a.m and pray. I woke up knowing I was doing Dear Diary this a.m. While I’m in the tub, while I’m relaxing, soaking up the warmth and praising God for yet one more day, sometimes it’s more like, why God? Why didn’t You just come back already? But, this a.m I get my phone. Shut up!! Y’all know y’all take your phones in the bath with you, so don’t even….lol. I like to do my fb memories first thing in the a.m. I LOVE my memories. Most of them. Some break my heart. Some make me cry. Some remind me of memories I had rather not remember. And it got me to thinking how toxic we are as humans. And it also helped me realize, I was in fb jail.

Am I toxic? Are you toxic? Are we toxic parents? Grandparents? Friends? Are we in toxic relationships? Seriously, are we? I pray to God above that I am not toxic to anyone, but if I am, I beg of your forgiveness, and I ask you to stay away from me. In the most respectful, kind way possible. I do not EVER want to cause another person to stumble. So, if you feel I am toxic to your well being, please, just drop like a leaf. No hard feelings. I don’t care if you’re my flesh and blood children, my best friend of many years, blood related or just a friend, if I am toxic to you, I love you, but let me go. Because, if you are toxic for me…guess what? Yep. I’m fixing to have to let you go too. Not because I don’t love you, but because I do. And because I CHOOSE to love me a little bit more for once in my life.

How do you know if you or someone you love is toxic? Glad you asked.

15 Traits of A Toxic Person

1. You and others are blamed for the negative feelings and circumstances in their lives.
2. You are wrong and they are right ALL of the time.
3. They disregard your boundaries.
4. They are habitually dishonest.
5. They don’t apologize
6. They revel in being victims.
7. They are habitually sarcastic.
8. They refuse to listen to you.
9. They feign concern for your well being.
10. They are critical of others.
11. They are very defensive of your decisions.
12. They are inconsistent in their behavior.
13. They have no interest in what’s important to you.
14. They boast about ANYTHING.
15. They take, and they take and they take.

Anything sound familiar? I know, right? Ouch. I like to call those kinds of folks, lemon suckers. They just look like they’ve been sucking on a lemon all day. Just look mad at the world and everyone in it. And blames you, because they woke up and the sun was shining. Just finding FAULT in any and everything. Those kinds of people are life suckers. They will LITERALLY SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. I know. Trust me. I have had plenty of these conversations in my life. I used to tell my sister, God rest her soul, how negatively she spoke. I know we all do. Life can stink. But, it doesn’t have to STINK ALL THE TIME. There has got to be one thing that you can find joy in. One thing. The sun rising? The birds singing? The laughter of children? Just being alive another day? No? I know, y’all. It’s hard for me to fathom too. But, they live among us. We love them. And they love us as much as they possible can. It ain’t a whole lot, but a little is better than none at all. And yet, I see myself in this checklist. I really don’t want to be seen that way.

This is as eye opening for me as it is for you. God really does have a sense of humor. I love when He makes me look in that mirror and face the ugly truth. At the moment it’s painful and raw, but when you get the point, and can take a deep breathe in and release the tension built up inside…ahhhhh. If you are a toxic person or just love a toxic person, it may be time to reevaluate your life. Seriously. How can anyone be happy living like that? Being like that? Break those chains!! Many times they are generational curses. This is not how God intended for us to live our lives. Who the Son has set free is what??? FREE, INDEED!!! Why don’t we act like it? Walking around here bound up like we can’t lift our hands in praise, pick our feet up off the ground, head held down in defeat, shoulders sagging…NO!!!!!! NO!!!!!! Who the Son sets free, is FREE, INDEED!! That’s something to get excited about!! And one more thing, there is no CONDEMNATION in those who LOVE the Lord. So, why do we go around acting like we are bound and condemned? Huh? Somebody answer me? Making you think, ain’t I?

This week Davy and I will be going through some major life changes. I wish I could say with uncertainty where this road will lead but, I can’t. All I can do is trust in God with all my heart and all my soul and know that He has Davy and I in the very palm of His Hand. We good. I know we good. I’m so proud of my husband for the decision he has made for his own life. This is the biggest step this man of mine has ever taken. And it’s all on his own accord. Not at my “nagging.” For the record, I do NOT nag. I simply remind, and insist. So, there. Y’all just keep us and our family in your prayers.

As far being toxic or loving a toxic person…you already know. There is nothing more that I can say. Many times we get what we deserve. Harsh, I know. But, if you accept mediocrity your whole life, guess what? You’re gonna have a mediocre life. See y’all. I’m getting it. One day. One prayer. One second at a time.

Love,
Pamma

15 Warning Signs You’re Dealing with a Toxic Person